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Sick. Really Sick. (by popular demand)
Know a girl who's not as, well, discriminating as she oughta be when it comes to boyfriends? Have some fun with her with this piece. Then get out of town.
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
Local woman "just horsing around"
Woman Arrested on 'Cruelty to Animals' Charges
Suspect says, "Who's the victim here? Tell me! Who's the victim? There is no victim!"
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A Seattle woman, Casey Jones, was taken into custody Sunday in an industrial loft on Capital Hill, and booked on charges of cruelty to animals. She was photographed having sex with a horse. When asked if 'cruelty to animals' was an appropriate charge, Vice Detective John Clintok replied, "It's the only charge that was at all appropriate. We have no evidence to suggest that Ms. Jones charged the horse money to perform these acts, and the horse certainly wasn't forcing the girl to have sex with it. Jones can't be charged with prostitution---I mean, the horse has no money. It's clear to us that the horse didn't want to be there, that it was there against its will, that it was in fear of bodily harm if it departed, and that constitutes cruelty. The horse is an animal, therefore, Ms. Jones is charged with cruelty to animals. I know it's a logic that may be difficult for the lay-person to follow, but the law enforcement mind is highly trained."
Contrary to Detective Clintok's appraisal of the situation, the horse did not appear eager to depart from the scene. In fact, four handlers with cattle prods were required to pull the horse off the woman.
"I just don't see the problem," commented Casey. "This was a consensual act by both parties. We do it all the time. Hell, the horse likes it, I like it, it's no one's business but ours. Who the hell do these people (police) think they are, barging in here like this? No crime has been committed! I'll sue these bastards."
The King County Prosecutor's office issued a statement claiming it would not consider dropping the charges, nor would it consider any type of plea bargain. "This horse has been traumatized," said a spokeswoman. "It's our responsibility to look out for the welfare of these animals. This poor beast will have to live with this for the rest of its life. The animal will have his day in court. I owe it that."
See Horse Racing: Secrets to Faster Times and Happier Equines Page B-4
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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE