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Skirting the Edges of Good Taste.
We didn't want to include this article. We lobbied against it. We whined, cajoled,
complained---but in the end, poor taste won out.
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
Guinness Defends Choice in Records.
Man Sues Over World Record
Kent Man Claims Damages Against Guinness
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A local man has filed suit against Guinness Corporation, the company that markets the "Guinness Book of World Records".
The Washingtonian, Casey Jones, claims in court documents that Guinness Corporation has refused to honor his claim to the largest "appendage" (penis) in the world. The suit asks for unspecified damages, alleging that the claimant (Jones) has suffered monetary damages in that his fame for holding the world record has not been properly and duly advertised due to Guinness's decision not to record or publish the record. Mr. Jones claims that if Guinness were to publish the record, he would be recognized officially as the record-holder, and could thereby enjoy the profits that such fame would inevitably bring him.
Guinness calls the reasoning ludicrous.
Mr. Jones's attorney states that the claim has been documented by numerous agencies, and that the size of his client's penis is not in question.
That being the case, the attorney argues, Guinness has a moral, legal and honor-bound duty to report the record, as it has reported thousands of other records over the years, many of which were, the attorney suggests, "much more obscure than the size of the largest penis in the world. That's something that everyone wants to know about."
Casey Jones says he'll gladly drop the suit if Guinness will simply give him the credit he deserves----in print.
Hustler Magazine claims to have documented the record, as has the Multi-National-104, a self professed union and activist group for the pornography industry in the United States and France.
Both agencies agree on two measurements: one for a length of 17.3 inches fully erect, and a circumference of 9.2 inches in the same state.
Representatives from Guinness Corporation refused to examine the appendage, but suggested that "if those measurements are correct, then the thing can't possibly be genuine, and therefore would not qualify for a record in our book anyway."
See 'Does Size Really Matter?' Page F-3
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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE