Charles Darwin Award
Natural Selection is Alive and Well (Charles Darwin Award)
Charles Darwin Award
Item Number — FC-48
Who the heck is Charles Darwin and why do you want to receive an award from him? First: You don’t want to receive an award from him! Of course he’s long-dead and rotted, so it wouldn’t come directly from him anyhow (one hopes)—it would come from a fair-weather friend, a cranky neighbor, back-biting in-law, evil secret admirer, a stalker, an enemy, your nemesis, your wife, your boss, your kids, your parents, your legal guardian, your psychiatrist, your tax attorney, your divorce lawyer, your banker, etc.
Charles Darwin was the guy who came up with the Theory of Evolution. The theory goes that animals (us) evolve from lower beings to (so-called) higher beings — always have, and always will. The theory is diametrically opposed to the notion that we’re all the misbegotten spawn of a couple of horny teenagers, Adam and Eve. Lots of folks believe the human race was just sort of plunked down upon the Earth by Adam and Eve, and that we’re pretty-much the same now as when we hatched a Gazillion years ago. Lots of folks think the world is flat, too.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if you believe in the Theory of Evolution or not. This is all a joke. By virtue of its very name (t-h-e-o-r-y), it’s not necessarily fact. Heck—we don’t believe in either Adam & Eve OR the Theory of Evolution. We know that we hatched from alien eggs at Area 51 two years ago December.
So what would you do with one of these certificates if you had one? Consider this: Most of the crew at TrixiePixGraphics rides motorcycles (or flies airplanes of questionable structural integrity). We do so because we like them. We like them because they’re fun. They’re fun because they go fast and they offer almost unprecedented freedom. The trouble is, they (speaking of motorcycles) are so incredibly dangerous in today’s traffic that a person would have to be downright stoopid to ride one. No sane or intelligent individual rides a motorcycle on today’s highways. That means that, pretty-much, we are too stupid to live. If we were living in caveman days, we’d be the people out there taunting the Leopards, poking them with sticks to see what they’d do, teasing the King Cobras, riding the Rhinoceri — in short, we’d be what we like to refer to as “Lion Fodder”. We’d be the first ones eaten, and that means we’d have no offspring to pass along those faulty, trouble-making genes. We would be prime, classic examples of “Natural Selection“, and we’d sure as Hell deserve a Charles Darwin Award.
So who’s eligible to receive this handsome certificate?
You gotta ask yourself:
“Who most elegantly demonstrates the theory of Natural Selection?”
Your kids who drive too fast
People slowly frying their brains on drugs
Your friends who ride motorcycles
Your friend, the pilot
Your friend who breaks his/her leg sliding down an icy slope on a stick of wood
Your Husband who aggravates you when you’ve got PMS
All bicycle couriers
All skateboarders
Skydivers
Bill Clinton
Osama Bin Laden
Saddam Hussein
Martha Stewart
You get the idea…
Certificates are personalized with:Monkey’s RECIPIENT’S Name
Date
(the name and date font is made up of little bones)
Gold seal is pressure-embossed (not printed). 8.5 x 11 inches.
Printed on heavy glossy stock
Got a friend or relative who’s done something really freaking stupid?
Then you know what you have to do:
Honor ’em with a DARWIN AWARD!
We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..
FC-48, “Charles Darwin Award” generally ships within 1-2 days.
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Item Number — FC-48